Family Portrait
by Casteline
Summary: On hiatus. Welcome to Stars Hollow, the one place you an go to find a family more dysfunctional than your own. Literati and Java Junkie, as well as some vague mentions of other stuff...
1. An Excess of Midgets

_I don't own yada yada yada._

_I got the idea when I was watching Dead Uncles and Vegetables for about the umpteenth time._

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**Chapter One- An Excess of Midgets**

The Diner was in chaos. Every table was full and there was a line out the door.

"I need more coffee!" someone said, rather loudly.

"Is that my food?" someone else called.

"Just a minute!" Jess Mariano shouted at the crowd. Then the phone began to ring. "Oh jeez," he muttered, picking up the phone as the customers began to shout at him.

"Is that my food?" someone shouted again.

"Yes it's your food!" Jess shouted back.

"Well can I have it?"

"Can't you see I'm on the phone?" he asked. Then he turned his attention back to the phone as the chef passed him plates from the back room. "Yes. No, this is Jess Mariano. No, he's not here. No I don't know when he'll be back. Sure, I'll hold." He rolled his eyes and walked around the counter.

"Hey!" someone shouted.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" April Nardini said, entering the Diner just as Jess almost decapitated someone with the phone cord. "Let me take those," she reached out and grabbed the plates. "Where do these go?"

"Eggs go to the crank at table three," he said, returning to the counter. "Pancakes to the lady with the kid. Thanks."

"I'm not a crank, he's a crank!" the crank shouted.

"No problem," she replied, delivering the plates.

"Yes this-" Jess said when the person returned on the phone. "Okay I'll hold."

"Can I get a table soon?" someone from the line asked angrily.

"Hold on!" Jess replied. "Ah screw it," he muttered, dropping the phone on the counter. Whoever it was would just have to wait.

"Hey Jess, can we get some more coffee?" Lorelai asked when he approached the table she Sookie and Michel were sitting at.

"You can take the whole pot," he replied. "If you go upstairs!"

"Someone's cranky."

"Well yeah someone's cranky," he said. "I've got a long line of customers with nowhere to be seated. And I've got three people that aren't gonna be paying using up three tables."

"Bummer," Lorelai said, not taking the hint. "Sounds like you're really in the weeds," she added, grinning.

Jess glared at her. "I. Meant. You. Go upstairs!"

"We can't go upstairs!" she exclaimed.

"Why not!"

"The kids are up there, its an absolute madhouse. We won't be able to get anything done!"

"So my establishment has to suffer? I don't care where you go, just get out!"

"It's not like you need the money," she muttered.

"OUT!" he shouted.

"Fine Mr. Sourpuss," she said, motioning for Sookie and Michel to follow her out.

"Finally!" several people in line said as Jess moved the tables that had been repositioned by Lorelai and her cohorts.

"April, can you take their orders?" Jess asked as he returned to the phone.

"Sure boss," she replied.

"Hello?" he asked. "No, I- Okay then."

A moment later Rory came stumbling down the stairs, clutching her laptop.

"It's a madhouse up there!" she informed him. "And apparently down here as well."

"What can I say? Lane and Zack are on tour; Luke is somewhere with my mom and Caesar had to go town to Florida to visit his sick mother. I'm dying here."

"Well, at least you've got April and David," Rory shrugged.

"April only got here two minutes ago and David has already screwed up three orders. Didn't help that your mom was using three tables to plan something at the Inn. Oh yeah, and some idiot called asking about Luke, then put me on hold. Who calls then puts you on hold?!"

"I don't know honey," she replied, patting his back comfortingly. "Listen, I just got an email from your publisher…"

"Oh jeez," he said, shifting the laptop so he could read it, still holding the phone between his ear and shoulder.

"Can I get some more coffee!" someone shouted.

Jess raised a free hand and flicked him off.

"Put that away," Rory told him. "I'll take care of it." She reached for the coffee pot.

Just then her cell phone started ringing.

-

When Luke Danes entered his diner, he thought he'd entered a mob scene.

"What the hell?" he asked.

The diner was a mess. Almost every table was full, and the ones that weren't had yet to be cleared. There was a long line of people weaving in and out of tables. Jess was behind the counter, back facing the customers, attempting to talk on the phone and type on the laptop at the same time. Rory was standing next to him, holding a cell phone to her ear with one hand, pouring a cup of coffee with the other. What was worse was that her mother was holding a second phone to her daughter's ear.

Everything was so loud he could only catch snippets of conversations.

"No Lane… I swear to… Paris settle down… Put me on hold again… Mom, help!"

"What the hell?" Luke asked again, approaching the group behind the counter.

"We're understaffed," nineteen year old April Nardini informed him, grabbing three plates from David as he passed them through the window.

"Apparently everyone decided that they wanted to call during the lunch rush," Lorelai said.

"How long have you been waiting?" Luke asked someone in line.

Gypsy looked down at her watch. "Twenty-two minutes," she said.

"Listen up!" Luke shouted. "Anyone that's been waiting longer than twenty minutes gets meals half price."

Several people sighed with relief.

"What the hell is going on here?" Luke asked once all the tables had been cleared and orders had been taken.

"Here," Jess said, handing him the diner phone. "Some guy wants to talk to you. I've been on hold of and on for the last fifteen minutes."

"Mom," Rory said. "Take this upstairs and have Steve and Kwan talk to Lane so her panic can be eased and I can deal with Paris."

Lorelai nodded, taking her daughters cell phone.

"Okay Paris, lets try this again. Use your words," Rory said into the other phone as Luke began to shout into his own phone.

"Finally," Jess exclaimed, shutting the laptop.

"Paris, I can't. Why can't you just call a baby sitter? … Because I've already got to much to deal with… Paris, my deadline is in twelve hours and I've got seven kids upstairs with another coming in an hour… No, one more won't make much of a difference, but I'm already on the verge of throwing myself off a building… Fine paris, whatever. Have Doyle drop him off… Bye." Rory sighed and closed the phone, dropped it into a cup of coffee that had been abandoned and began banging her head into the wall.

"What was that about?" Jess asked, finally able to help pass out food.

"Paris wants me to baby-sit James," she replied, taking a few plates from David as well.

"You mean we're gonna have to deal with another screaming midget!? Why?"

"Something about going into labor. I swear, pregnant women suck. Think the whole world revolves around them."

"What was that?" Luke asked as a large banging sound came from above.

"Just the screaming midgets," Jess said nonchalantly.

"Screaming midgets?" he asked.

"Well, apparently while you were gone for two weeks, we've started a baby-sitting service," Jess replied, seating a couple near a window.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Rory said. "That while you were away, Mom left Fred with us because she didn't want them to destroy the Inn. When Sookie and Jackson found out, they decided to send Davey, Martha and Jonah to us, rather than continue actually paying for a baby-sitter."

"Then Lane and the band were offered a chance to be with the Skid Row reunion tour. Guess who gets to take care of Kwan and Steve for the next two months? That's right, the Gilmore-Mariano Baby-sitting Service."

"Then Liz called," Rory said. "She and TJ are leaving for their honeymoon the second you guys got back. Which means she'll be dropping Dula off in an hour."

"You guys are so screwed," Luke laughed. Rory and Jess just glared back at him.

"Rory!" Lorelai shouted, running down the stairs. "Lori dropped your phone in a bucket of paint. Then when I told her to give it back, she dumped it on my head. Look at my shoes! These were brand new." Blood red paint was dripping down her hair, staining her leopard print blouse, her denim pants and her black boots.

Rory, Luke and Jess all attempted, unsuccessfully, to stifle their laugher.

"Lorelai Emily Gilmore!" Rory shouted a moment later, straightening herself and putting on the mean face.

"Yes mommy?" a small girl asked innocently when she came down the stairs, slightly out of breath.

Rory glared at her, then Pointed at Lorelai.

Lori turned to her grandmother and glared. "Tattletale!"

"Don't talk to your grandmother like that," Jess told her.

Lori turned to him an made a face. Then something red came flying at him. He quickly ducked out of the way, then turned to watch as Kirk was pinged in the head by the cell phone. All began laughing as it slid off his face, landing in his eggs and leaving a red streak down his face.

"Lori!" Rory shouted. Her daughter stuck her tongue out at her and ran back up stairs.

"Lorelai, you okay?" Jess asked, noticing the look on her face.

"I'm too young to be a grandma!" she shrieked, running out of the diner.

Rory laughed.

"Okay, I have an article to finish. I'll be by the lake," she said, grabbing the laptop. With that she too left the diner.

About five minutes later, Lorelai walked back into the diner.

"Can I have my phone back?" she asked, holding out a hand.

"Sure," Jess said, reaching for a pair of tongs. He stuck them into a coffee cup and retrieved her phone, setting it in the palm of her hand.

"Oh that's just wonderful," she muttered, grabbing a napkin to wipe it off.

* * *

_Okay, so random plot bunny, no? Did you like? You know you did._

_I have no idea if this is going to be continued or not, let me know what you think and if you want more of this insanity._

_Reviews are loved._

_Ella_


	2. Fake Words and Dead Cows

_Disclaimer: I don't own_

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**Chapter Two – Fake Words and Dead Cows**

"Hey Luke," Lorelai greeted as her husband entered the house.

"Hi," he replied, pulling a handful of coins from his pocket to throw into the plastic jars on the counter.

"That is so incredibly phycotic, you know that, don't you?" she said as he separated the coins into the different jars.

"It's what?" he asked, a strange look on his face.

"Phycotic," she said, as though it was obvious.

"That's not a word," he informed her.

"How do you know?"

"Because it isn't."

"Yes it is."

"Oh yeah, prove it. What does it mean?"

"It means…" she began. He raised an eyebrow, a small smile forming. "Its like OCD and ADD. Dangerous combination I might add. Hey, ADD spells add," she started laughing.

"You're phycotic," he muttered, walking into the kitchen. "Hi Fredlette," he glanced into the room that had once been Rory's to see the three year old girl lighting a Barbie doll's head on fire. "Winifred!" he exclaimed.

"She melting barbies again?" Lorelai called from the living room.

"And this is okay with you?"

"Hey, I told Liz she wasn't gonna like them," she replied.

"Oh jeez," he groaned, snatching the lighter from the girls hands, burning himself in the process.

"Hey!" she shouted, throwing a piece of fleshy plastic at him before slamming the door shut, with him on the other side.

"That settles it," he said, sticking the lighter in a cabinet where she wouldn't be able to reach it. "She's not allowed to hang out with Lori anymore."

-

"All closed up?" Rory asked when Jess entered the apartment above the Diner.

"Yep," he replied, separating coins into separate jars.

"You know that's completely phycotic, don't you?" she asked him, pouring a bag of popcorn into a large mixing bowl.

"That's not a word," he informed her.

"What makes you so sure?" she asked him, grabbing a bottle of hot sauce.

"Because its not."

"Oh yeah, real mature," she muttered.

"What does it mean then?" he asked.

"OCD. Or ADD. Usually both."

"Yeah, okay. Wait, how can it be both?" he asked opening the fridge and to pull out a hot pocket.

"Do you really want me to answer that? Pass me the whipped cream," she said.

"Sure." He slid the tub toward her, glancing to one side of the room. Then he made a strange face. "We have an extra kid," he said.

"No we don't," Rory replied. "Remember Doyle dropped James off this morning. They won't be picking her up until the day after tomorrow."

"I know. And mom dropped Dula off too."

"Right. So we should have five kids, Lori, Dula, James, Steve and Kwan."

"Then why do we have six?"

Rory looked over at the group of children, all sleeping in brightly colored sleeping bags (except Lori who had a bed).

"Oh jeez," she said. "Call Sookie, tell her she forgot Jonah again."

Jess picked up the phone and began dialing. He was only on the fourth digit with there came a loud beating on the door.

"Come in," Rory called, still making her food.

"Sorry sorry sorry," Sookie said, rushing towards the children to retrieve her youngest.

"It's okay Sookie," Rory said. "We were just about to call you."

"So sorry," she said again, rushing back out the door, son in tow.

"That is the most scattered people I know," Jess muttered, opening the microwave. "Hey, is that a diner burger?" he asked.

"Yep," she said, unwrapping the tin foil.

"So that's where Gypsy's order went."

"Yep," she said again, spooning a mound of something onto it.

"What is that?" he asked, making a face.

"This?" she held up a spoonful of it. He nodded. "Its my special sauce."

"What's in it?" he gagged.

"Popcorn, Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, marshmallows, relish, Italian dressing, chocolate syrup, and vanilla ice cream," she replied, piling three more scoops onto the dead cow.

"That's disgusting, even for you," he said, grabbing his food and heading into their bedroom. The apartment had been remodeled for the third time, allowing for some privacy.

"Its actually quite good, you should try it," she said, following him in, flipping the TV on as she passed.

"Pass," he said.

"Whatever," she shrugged as he began flipping through the channels.

"… _And some licorice. And peanut butter. And relish. And a can of cherries. Put it all on a hot dog, would ya?"_ a womans voice on TV shouted as (presumably) her husband rushed out the door to find her these foods.

"Pregnant women are insane," Rory said, shaking her head. "I mean, seriously, who eats like that?"

She didn't notice the strange look he was giving her until moments later.

"What?" she asked, her mouth full with the strange meal she had concocted. "Wha…" she looked down at the burger in her hands (though, frankly, there was more toppings on it than there was burger).

"Oh my god," he said, sitting up.

"Oh my god," she echoed.

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**_Shorter than intended, but you'll get over it._**

**_Just so everyone know, I really don't know where this is going. I have a vague idea of what's going to happen in the next chapter (even the name : Tattletales and Expectant Mothers). Beyond that, nothing._**

**_So Bob Barker (inside joke), you like how I introduced our word to the world? My goal is to have it in the dictionary by 2011._**

**_Ella_**


	3. Tattletales and Expectant Mothers

Disclaimer: I don't own

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**Chapter Three** – Tattletales and Expectant Mothers

"Luke!" Lorelai shouted as she ran down the stairs, half dressed.

"What?" he shouted back from Fred's room.

"Have you seen my green blouse?" She began rummaging trough piles of laundry in the living room.

"Nope, sorry," he said, exiting Fred's room having picked out her clothes for the day.

When he entered the kitchen, the sight he saw worried him.

Fred was sitting on the counter, pouring coffee into a mug.

"What are you doing Freddie?" he asked, putting the pot back and picking her up off the counter.

"ARGH!!" she shouted, struggling against his grip.

"Okay, fine," he said, setting her back down rather than let her break any appliances. As she had several times in the passed.

"What's going on in here?" Lorelai asked, sticking earrings through her ears and trying to pull on shoes at the same time.

Luke rolled his eyes as the child handed her mother the mug of coffee, then pulled another from the cupboard and began to pour another cup.

"Thanks sweetie," she said, drinking about half the cup in under five seconds. "Okay I gotta go-" she began as the phone started the ring. "Jeez," she said, running towards it, almost falling.

But the answering machine got it first.

"Hello, you've reached Lorelai and Luke Danes. Please- No Fred, don't eat that! Leave a message. Beeeeep. Hehe just kidding." The actual beep sounded and the machine began recording, just as she reached to pick up the phone.

"Why aren't you home? Were could you possibly be…" She didn't bother listen to the message.

"Luke, do not answer that."

"Why would I answer it? I don't wanna deal with her."

"Exactly," she said, running out the door.

-

"Hey Rory," Lorelai said when her oldest daughter answered the phone.

"What's up?"

"I just… Are you typing?"

"No," she replied innocently, though Lorelai could still hear her tapping on the keys.

"I hate it when you do that. You can't concentrate on what I'm saying and what you're writing."

"Sorry, say that again?"

"No. Close the laptop."

"Fine. What did you call for?"

"What? A mother can't just call to check in?"

"When have you ever called just to check in? We live five minutes from each other. If your big news is that Kirk got another vicious cat and named it Kirk Again, I already know."

"He got another cat? He named it Kirk?"

"No, he named it Kirk Again. Because there was already a cat… what did you call for?"

"I just wanted to warn you that Dad and Gigi might be stopping by today or tomorrow. He called last night."

"Special occasion?" she asked.

"Every days a special day when your names Lorelai Gilmore. Oh, someone's calling me. I'll talk to you later," she said before clicking over to the other line.

"Lorelai Gilmore, why do you never answer your phone?"

"Danes!" Lorelai shouted.

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Lorelai Danes mother. It has been for five years."

"That is no way to speak to your mother young lady."

Lorelai had about a dozen perfect retorts prepared, but knew it would only end in pain, so settled for what was safe.

"Good morning mother, how are you today?" she asked, feigning sweetness.

"I'm wonderful," she said, semi-sarcastic. "I'm just confused as to why I was not informed that my granddaughter is pregnant."

It took Lorelai a moment to recover from the question.

"What?"

"How come you didn't tell me Rory was pregnant?"

"How did you even find out?"

"I ran into Paris at the mall yesterday. Why wasn't I informed?"

"Mom, what do you care? You practically disowned her when you found out about Lori. Why would we tell you now?"

"I deserved to know!"

"Since when mother. You haven't spoken to us since you found out she and Jess were together and they were having a child. Four years ago!"

"That boy was no good for her-" Emily began.

"No mom. He is perfect for her. He loves his daughter and Rory."

"Then he should have married her"

"They don't have the time for that mom. They are busy people and they have a daughter to raise!"

"That's no excuse!"

"Fine, have it your way. They didn't get married because they knew it would piss you off and they wanted nothing more than to do just that."

"Lorelai-"

"No mom. You're being stupid. There, I said it. This whole feud is _stupid_. God, dad even got over it. After about a week. He came to visit almost every week while Rory was pregnant. And he's come at least twice a month ever since."

"What-"

"I have to go mom." And she hung up.

"Richard!?" Emily called when her daughter hung up.

"What?" he asked from the kitchen, reading his newspaper.

"Why didn't you tell me you've been visiting the girls?"

-

"What the matter Lorelai?" Sookie asked when her friend entered the Dragonfly kitchen.

"I need something deep friend and covered in hot sauce," she said, pouring a mug of coffee.

"I see what I can do," Sookie laughed slightly. "What happened?"

"Emily Gilmore happened."

-

It was noon, the beginning of a dull period.

"Luke's Diner," Jess answered, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder so he could start another pot of coffee.

"Where's Rory?"

"Upstairs. Why didn't you call her phone?"

"The home line is busy and she still hasn't gotten her cell replaced. Can you get her?"

"Yeah, sure." He stuck his hand over the mouthpiece and shouted "RORY!"

A moment later, she came tumbling down the stairs, her hair flying in a dozen direction. He couldn't help but laugh.

"What happened to you?"

"Children," she said, wide-eyed. "Too many children. Can't deal with it." Then she shook it off. "What'd you need?"

He offered the phone to her. "Your mom."

"Hey, what's up?" she asked, holding the phone to hear ear.

"You haven't gotten a call yet?"

"Call from who?"

"No one. I just wanted to warn you… Emily Gilmore might be calling you. She's not too happy."

"What does… oh no. Got to go." She happened to glance out the window to see her grandmother approaching the Diner.

"Oh no," Jess echoed.

"I think I'll go deal with the kids," Rory said, trying to get back to the stairs.

"No way. You are not leaving me alone down here to deal with this." He grabbed her sleeve to stop her.

"Uh. Fine."

There was a chime as the door opened. The very poised and determined Emily Gilmore entered the diner. She looked around, clearly disgusted.

"Hi Grandma," Rory said, trying to smile.

"Hello Rory," she replied coolly.

"'Afternoon Mrs. Gilmore," Jess greeted.

She nodded in his general direction.

"What bring you here?" Rory asked, trying to remain polite.

"I just wanted to stop by and see what it was that was keeping you from having any communications with me."

Rory was silent for a moment, debating whether or not it was best to list all the reasons. She figured her mother had gone through most of them this morning, but found it hard to control her anger.

"You're the one that stopped talking to us!"

Emily's eyes grew wide. Outbursts like this were uncommon for her timid granddaughter.

"This boy is completely wrong for you!"

"Just feelin' the love," he said sarcastically as he cleaned the counters. Emily ignored him.

"Why do you suddenly care?" Rory asked. "The last four years you never gave a shit. Grandpa visits all the time. But you wouldn't even talk to us. Now suddenly you're here."

"I just wanted to-"

"Let me guess. You wanted to make sure Jess wasn't going to run off. Or better yet, pay him to."

"No! I-"

"Oh, how about this one? You came by to give me a bunch of money so I can care for my kids?"

Rory took her lack of response as an answer.

"Listen grandma, I appreciate it. Really, I do. But we don't need your help. We are fine."

"I don't see how. The money he makes here can't be much."

Rory just stared at her, flabbergasted. Then finally she said "Get out. Just get out."

"Excuse me?"

"I said: get out. You can't just come in here and insult my family after four years and expect me to let you get away with it. Now get out."

* * *

Well wasn't that a fun chapter? Just so you all know, I really have no idea where this is going. I don't know what I'm going to do with the next chapter... to be honest, I shouldn't really focus on this because I have a 20 page analysis to finish typing and a book to finish (though I still need to start it) and a ton of vocabulary to memorize.

But alas, I have three weeks and all that craps boring...

Reviews make me happy.

Ella


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